So, as I was traversing the internet yesterday-*, I came upon this Wonkette article about a stunning Tea Party themed t-shirt available for purchase on the Sears website.

It reads, for serious:

”A system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.”

Ha! Oh, very clever. Very clever indeed. TOUCHÌÄÛ¡, Sears.

Anyway, I thought to myself, ”Robyn, I bet you there are way more weird shirts. After all, you saw a ton of weird stuff at the Sears when you were trapped inside one in Warwick for hours last year! Like a soap dispenser shaped like a grizzly bear and whatnot!” And lo and behold, I did.

1. Is this shirt racist? Or is a Haitian person supposed to be wearing it? Either way, it’s pretty awkward. What if your kids aren’t even playing when you’re wearing it?

2. I am trying super hard to come up with a reason for anyone to ever have to say this sentence. Are there magic things people expect out of beekeepers that I am unaware of? Why would anyone expect a beekeeper to do magic?

3. If Marcy ends up dead on the side of the road, I think we know who to call.

4. Ok, I’m not religious, so the only Frog-Bible connection I can make is one of the plagues. Wasn’t there a plague with frogs and the frogs were falling from the sky or something? Is that what this was about or what? Why frogs?

5. From the Elliot Rodger Collection?

6. There is nothing I understand about this shirt. Why the cactus? And who is Geoff?

7. Real Men Love Giraffe What? Why is this not a plural. I could see, I suppose, ”Real Men Love Giraffes”-although that seems a lot like an unnecessary gender binary to me, but ”Real Men Love Giraffe?” Is Giraffe a band? What is Giraffe?

8. You probably cannot tell, but this shirt actually reads ”Aardvark Is Not A Crime.” Who is saying it is? I Googled aardvark crime and came up with nothing. I imagine it would depend on what you were using the aardvark for, though. I’m sure someone in Florida has managed an aardvark crime at some point.

9. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS WHY ARE PEOPLE SETTING DR. PEPPER ON FIRE? DR. PEPPER IS GROSS ENOUGH WITHOUT IT SINGING YOUR EYEBROWS OFF.

10. Little preachy, no?